Modi expands cabinet, starts Ministry of General Knowledge

Almost immediately after his swearing in as the 15th Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi decided to expand his cabinet. The cabinet unanimously agreed to open up a new Ministry of General Knowledge, a first in the 67 years of independent India. Sonam Kapoor and Alia Bhat have been asked to take oath as the joint Ministers of State to handle the ministry.

Both women expressed surprise at the creation of such a ministry, however they also felt that it was not surprising that they were chosen to be ministers. They were quite confident that after the answers that they gave in the poular TV show Koffee with Karan, they were obvious choices to head the ministry.

Alia said that she is consulting her family and close friends on identifying a good day for the swearing in ceremony. Sonam Kapoor has said that she will take oath anytime after returning from Cannes. She said that she would have liked to be Cabinet Minister, but was elated nevertheless at the honour and opportunity she had been presented with.

Varun Dhawan was reported to be extremely disappointed at not being made part of the Cabinet.

Prabhu Deva to choreograph Miley Cyrus' next

Indian dancer Prabhu Deva will choreograph Miley Cyrus' next video and stage performance. The popular dancer, who has been called the Michael Jackson of India, has choreographed multiple movies and has also tried his hand at direction.

Miley Cyrus has been in the news lately after her performance in the MTV VMA and her latest video. Contact Music reported that Miley was impressed by some of the performances by Prabhu Deva and wanted to work with him, and had contacted him for her next performance.

The ever humble Prabhu Deva said that he was elated that he could work with a world famous star, and promised to help her deliver a twerktastic performance.

Tejpal, Ganguly blame VithU app of 'abetting sex crimes'

VithU, the SOS app for smartphones changed their advertising to add 'Court Complexes' to the list of potentially threatening locations. Their current ads, featuring female actors Kareena Kapoor and Kiya separately list elevators, hotels, deserted streets as locations where women could be at risk.

While the existing list already covers elevators - where Tarun Tejpal is accused of sexually assaulting a female employee, Court complexes are not mentioned. Recently, an intern accused Justice Ganguly of sexual misconduct.


In an interesting turn of events, both Tejpal and Ganguly have separately filed a suit against the VithU app, stating that the ads spread misinformation and consequently, abet crimes against women.

Not VithU!

Tejpal said that "The VithU app claims that even within elevators it works, but we all know that we don't get mobile signal inside elevators. That is why I was brave enough to do what I did. It is not my fault". Justice A.K. Ganguly, on the other hand, said that the ads did not say that the app worked in court complexes, implying a woman could not ask for help, which gave him the courage to misbehave. He claimed that the app was "not with you". Both Tejpal and Ganguly have separately filed suits against the app, and pleaded innocence in a way bordering the Nuremberg defense.

Channel V has not yet issued a statement.

Population growth to slow down thanks to Chidambaram's appeal

Leading Ayurvedic pharmaceutical company, Baidyanath reported a slump in the sales of their products. The slump was observed following finance minister P. Chidambaram's request to people to 'control their lust for gold'. Heeding to this advice, the general public have reduced buying Baidyanath's Vita-Ex GOLD, the male performance enhancer - controlling their lust and their lust for gold.

P Chidambaram had made the appeal in an attempt to reduce imports and improve India's fiscal deficit - gold is India's second biggest import after petroleum. The general public have been given messages about the country's increasing population and the strains it places on its resources. The brain connected the messages and resulted in a "slight" misunderstanding.

Social analysts believe that this is a good sign and India's population growth will begin to show a slight decline in about 9 months time; whether the slowdown of the growth will sustain has to be seen. P Chidambaram was pleasantly surprised by the news and had decided not to issue a clarification because he feels that the benefit of slowing population growth will be much greater than reduced gold imports.

P.S. Thanks to Deccan Herald's poor placement choice for the inspiration behind this post. 

Religious decrees leave people bewildered

The latest religious decree issued by religious organizations have said that wearing clothes is blasphemous, leaving people across the country completely bewildered. This 'sans logic' announcement resulted in confusion and outrage. The average person on the street said "I don't know where this is written in the scriptures. I don't want to be a blasphemer, but think about all the designer brands! Won't they suffer losses? Poor things!"

"Less  fashionable" people said "We don't have any fur covering us, so I am not sure how we'll bear heat and cold. Are leaves allowed?"


 Following widespread outrage, the decree was taken back and a new one saying 'speech is blasphemy and everyone must maintain a strict silence' was issued.

At the same time, another group has decreed that it is blasphemous to stay silent implying that people must constantly talk, failing which they will incur the wrath of God, which will be carried out by his appointed representatives on Earth.

The contradicting diktats have left bewildered because they are unable to understand if they should speak, or stay silent because either action would result in eternal damnation and punishment of the most medieval kind.

New brief: Karan Johar win award for best lyrics

Producer Karan Johar won the best lyrics award for the song "Radha" from the movie Student of the year release in 2012. The award was sponsored by women's rights activists and was provided for two lines in the song :
"Chhede hai humka daiyaan, bairi kanhaiya
And everybody blames it on Radha"

Translated,
"(Lord) Krishna troubles me (Radha),
And everbody blames it on Radha"

The organizations said that these two lines perfectly capture the current trend where the victim of sexual abuse is blamed for the attack and is said to have brought it upon herself. They also hoped this would make people less ignorant and be more sensitive to the plight of women in the country.

Kohli launches pepper spray

Virat Kohli today launched a new line of pepper sprays. The new spray named "Kohli" was launched in the presence of cricketing and movie stars.

Asked about the inspiration behind launching a pepper spray, Kohli said "Women in India consider me HOT, and I mean uber hot like this pic here.  And I decided to use that hotness to make a product for women. Also chillies are hot. I put 2 and 2 together, and we came up with this idea. This product will attract the ladies. I have already attracted many ladies using my mobile phone!"

Kohli was refering to the "hugely popular" advertisement for a mobile phone company that he endorses where he is shown attempting to attract the ladies by using his phone. Because the ad failed to meet its goal, Kohli had to resort to other means to achieve his objective.

India wins UN award for 'Most impressive posturing'

India won the International Award "Most Impressive Posturing" at the UN today. The Indian entry consisted of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, External Afrairs Minister Salman Khurshid, and Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde.

A UN spokesperson said "The Indian government has had the most impressive political posturing after the recent killings of Indian soldiers by Pakistani soldiers. The Indian government has condemned the attacks and warned Pakistan but has made no change in its foreign policy towards the neighbour. Countries like Israel & the US have no chance in this competition because they don't posture but retaliate immediately if such a thing would happen to them. The international community is impressed by India."

India's initial entry consisted of leaders of political parties which were part of the ruling UPA who repeatedly threatened to stop supporting the central government. Because of the confidentiality clause the names of the initial entries could not be revealed. India decided to change its entry to the competition and was able to get the changes in minutes before the submission deadline.

Digvijaya Singh retires from politics

Senior Congress leader Digvijaya Singh has announced his retirement from active politics. In a press conference, Abhishek Manu Singhvi said that the Congress high command had received a letter from Mr Singh tendering his resignation from the party and retiring from politics. He also said that Mr Singh is also undergoing counselling after being highly depressed & disappointed.

For a long time Mr Singh was the top dog in the 'foot in the mouth' race, but in the aftermath of the Delhi rape case, everyone who is anyone is making silly, stupid, and controversial statements, thus pushing him off his pedestal. The change in stature happened too quickly for Mr Singh to handle, which resulted in his current health condition. Mr Singh, acknowledged that he has been beaten at his own game and needs to make way for a new generation of 'foot-in-mouth'-ers.

SP Investments first to get India retail FDI license

SP Investments International, the international investment arm of the Jolly Roger Group has bagged the first retail FDI license issed in India. Amina Aziza, spokesperson for the company said in a press conference today that the Government of India had approved their license to invent in retail services in the country. The company would register a fully owned Indian subsidiary and begin operations in the next couple of months.


Ms Aziza said that the company would begin operations in cities and towns along the coastline, Lakshadweep, and the Andaman and Nicobar islands, before moving inwards into the country. The first set of retail outlets would be started in cities such as Mumbai, Mangalore, Chennai, Thiruvananthapuram, Kolkata, which are the more densely populated cities along the Indian coastline. In a separate note, Mr J. BlackBeard, the CEO of Jolly Roger Group, which is the parent company of SP Investments International, thanked the Indian government for approving the license and also commended the employees of SP Investments for their efforts.

FDI in retail was approved after a prolonged debate between political parties. The Congress which heads the current coalition faced opposition from within the coalition.

SP Investments is based out of Somalia and already has investments in marine transportation and marine security.

(SP Investments : Somalian Pirates' Investments)

Mamata institutes Bal Thackeray Award for Cartoonists

West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Bannerjee pulled an apparent volte face today and announced the Bal Thackeray Memorial Award for cartoonists in India. Mamata's public image had suffered after her act of calling students as Maoists when questioned about Government policies, and arresting Professor Ambikesh Mahapatra earlier this year for poking fun at her. Recently, Press Council Chairman, Justice (Retd) Markandey Katju had recently said that Mamata is intolerant to criticism and wants to be surrounded by yes-men.

TMC party sources say that Mamata wanted to spruce up her public image and the death of Shiv Sena leader Bal Thackeray came as an opportunity, and the award was instituted. Bal Thackeray began his career as a cartoonist.

The Shiv Sena is facing flak for curbing freedom of expression following the arrest of 2 girls. They have also issued a bundh call following the transfer of the magistrate and suspension of two police officers who   initiated the arrest. The West Bengal government proposal has come as a golden opportunity to the Shiv Sena who readily accepted it.

P.S. I might get arrested for this post. Don't be surprised.

Kingfisher airlines goes Gangnam to attract fliers

In a bid to attract more passengers, troubled airline Kingfisher has started to use Gangnam Style as inspiration. Passengers on Kingfisher flights yesterday were treated to a Gangnam Style standard procedure briefing, with cabin crew using dance moves from the hit K-Pop video to explain safety procedure - wearing a seat belt, oxygen masks, and location of emergency exits.

Some of the passengers were pleasantly surprised by the novel way of doing a mundane procedure. However some passengers felt that safety procedure must be done with a straight face.

In addition to using Gangnam in its safety briefing, the airline has also launched a brand new advertising campaign using the same theme.

Colgate-Palmolive pulls Govt of India to court on infrigement

Colgate-Palmolive today slapped a case of trademark infringement and defamation on the Government of India. The suit  follows the coal allocation scam, dubbed Coalgate by the press. Speaking to the press, Mr Niket Ghate, General Counsel, Colgate-Palmolive India, said that the Govt of India willfully undertook the coal allocation scam in an effort to undermine and defame the brand.

He said "It is general practice to add the word 'Gate' to any major scam or scandal. The PMO knew that the illegal coal allocation scam would sooner or later come out in the open and be dubbed Coal-gate. The word sounds very similar to our leading brand of toothpaste, and the name of the company itself. The coal scam is a willful infringement of our trademark."

Mr Ghate also added that the negative connotation of the word has impacted the positive image of the brand and resulting in loss of customer goodwill - the damages of which cannot be measured, especially after being named as one of the most admired companies in India by Fortune magazine. A case of defamation has also been slapped on the central government.

-Agency Sources

News Brief: Barbers demand jobs as teachers

Saloon and salon owners in Bangalore gathered outside Oxford School and protested against the school and the teachers for cutting the hair of children admitted under the Right to Education Act (RTE). The head of the Barber Association of Bangalore said "It was illegal of the teachers to cut the hair of the students. This is clearly an invasion of work. An encroachment into our space of livelihood. If the teachers wanted to cut hair, they should have summoned a professional barber from a nearby saloon/salon. Cutting hair is not the teacher's job."

The association has already written to the state government requesting teaching jobs at the school.

Hugh Hefner has no taste : Rakhi Sawant

Starlet Rakhi Sawant said that Hugh Hefner and his Playboy team do not have right taste. Speaking at a celebrity event, Sawant was responding to questions regarding Sherlyn Chopra. Miss Chopra is the first Indian woman to be a 'playmate' and will be stripping for Playboy for the cover page.

Ms Sawant said "Dekhiye, ye jo Playboy ke log hain, unki taste utni achi nahin hai. Sherlyn ke jo hain... wo bade hain, lekin mere wale usse bade hain - popularity aur ambition.Uske pakke hain, lekin mere jitne nahin - irade aur foundation. Aur mere zyada naram hai, nazakat aur ada".

Translated, "See, these people from Playboy don't have good taste. Sherlyn might have big ones, but I have bigger - ambition and popularity. She might be firm but I have firmer - intentions and foundations. And I have softer - femininity".

She said that these reasons prove why she would have been a better choice.

In a related news, a Swedish tourist in India collapsed lauging after reading about the war of words in a newspaper. The woman was identified as Lena Söderberg.

Protests in India against Huffington Post. Parliament divided

A wave of protests has engulfed large parts of India after the Huffington Post (HP) published its list of 10 foods to try before you die". The list featured the Masala Dosa, which is a popular dish in South India. People from other parts of India however feel that they have been cheated. Various protest groups have started agitations and online protests demanding HP add other foods to its list. Protest groups across "North" India claimed that the Madrasis had lobbied to get the dish included, and the list was biased.

The list was also discussed in a specially convened session of the parliament. Some politicians, including Digvijaya Singh & Kapil Sibal suggested that it was an international (Pakistani) conspiracy to divide India by not having foods from the North, West, and East of India in the list. External affairs minister S.M. Krishna, and Home Minister P. Chidambaram, were in a 'dharma sankat', 


The Prime Minister did not issue a statement because he was busy eating a dosa.

Image courtesy: http://opencage.info/pics.e/large_13564.asp

Poonam Pandey to drop clothes if India has men's doubles team

Poonam Pandey, the model who offered to strip for India's World Cup win has done it again. This time however, she has decided to strip if Leander Paes, Mahesh Bhupati, and Rohan Bopanna set aside their differences and are able to work with the AITA to finalise the men's doubles team for the London Olympics.

AITA sources also added that "Poonam Pandey visited the AITA office where officials were meeting the trio, and held a private meeting with the three players. All three came out visibly happy. Talks seemed to be progressing well, and expect a resolution and decision on the team to be announced by today evening."

Sports minister Ajay Maken has welcomed the development and expressed hope of quick resolution, while also profusely praising and expressing his gratitude to Ms Pandey. Lara Datta & Rhea Pillai declined comment.

Increased instances of stupidity reported on Bharat Bandh day

by Ramya Iyer  & Staff Correspondent.

An alarming increase in events and mishaps resulting from stupidity is reported on the days of the Bharat Bandh. These  accidents which were easily preventable by application of common sense.

This is the summary of findings accepted for publication in the leading science journal Nature by top psychiatrists and psychologists from NIMHANS. Explaining the causes in simple terms director of NIMHANS & the lead author, Dr. P. Satish Chandra said  "The Bharat Bandh also results in 'dimaag bandh'. That is, the thought centers of people shutdown, so they do things that they would themselves call stupid and repent later". He also attributed peer pressure and conformism as factors. The findings were obtained after analysing data from multiple previous Bharat Bandh days.

Senior political leaders were cautious in their celebrations and congratulations. On the one hand, the findings indicate that common citizen brains shutdown on Bharat Bandh implying high success for their strike call. However, they are also worried that their party cadre might have done something on such days that would  show the party in poor light.

The research paper is titled "An analysis of Strike Calls on Human Brain and Causality to Stupid Actions" and will be part of the next edition of Nature. 

BCCI considering alternatives to player auction

The BCCI, which governs cricket in India, is reportedly considering alternatives to the player auction process for IPL players during the next auctions. A recent sting operation by a TV channel had exposed the issues of spot fixing and illegal payments with franchises and players violating the terms of payment. BCCI President N. Srinivasan, confirmed that talks were ongoing, but refused to disclose details. Sources within the board said "We are considering alternatives that are simpler and not based on money. When there is no money involved, no 'black' payments can be made, and no violations will happen. Auctions could be scrapped altogether."

Sources added that the alternatives being discussed include getting the player to wear a bulls eye t-shirt and come on stage. The franchises shoot one suction cup arrow each, and the arrow that hits the player closest to the center gets him. Another alternative is getting franchises shoot colour coded suction cup arrows for one minute at the player. The franchise with most arrow sticking on the player after 1 minute gets him.

N Srinivasan suggested that an effective way was to give clubs to franchise representatives, and the first one to knock the player on the head gets him. Caveman Style.

Alternatively, the franchise could get the player kidnapped by goons and threatened or beaten up till they agree to play for the franchise. He said he had tried similar tactics with the help of  the police to "cure his son from homosexuality."

Mamata govt releases world map

The TMC government in West Bengal headed by Mamata Banerjee today released a new political world map today. The map, released in a press conference shows five countries missing - China, Laos, Vietnam, North Korea and Cuba. The Mamata government claims that these countries do not exist.

TMC Vice President Derek O'Brien, speaking in a press conference said "These "communist countries" do not exist. Their existence was concocted by the CPM in West Bengal to further their own interests. By creating a country like China - large in area, population, economy, manufacturing, the CPM were trying to show that communists can run a country very efficiently. This however is false; these countries do not exist "

He went on to add that the CPM's propaganda machinery worked overtime over the past 30 years, and the CPM bullied the press into printing articles about these 5 countries, including stories about a Fidel Castro, the Cuban Missilie crisis when they also claimed that Russia was a communist country,US presence in Vietnam, etc. The 'C' in the new economic group BRICS doesn't exist, it is only BRIS."

In a related development, the WB government is also considering to get CPM supporters to wear red stars on their clothing.