Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Prabhu Deva to choreograph Miley Cyrus' next

Indian dancer Prabhu Deva will choreograph Miley Cyrus' next video and stage performance. The popular dancer, who has been called the Michael Jackson of India, has choreographed multiple movies and has also tried his hand at direction.

Miley Cyrus has been in the news lately after her performance in the MTV VMA and her latest video. Contact Music reported that Miley was impressed by some of the performances by Prabhu Deva and wanted to work with him, and had contacted him for her next performance.

The ever humble Prabhu Deva said that he was elated that he could work with a world famous star, and promised to help her deliver a twerktastic performance.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Tejpal, Ganguly blame VithU app of 'abetting sex crimes'

VithU, the SOS app for smartphones changed their advertising to add 'Court Complexes' to the list of potentially threatening locations. Their current ads, featuring female actors Kareena Kapoor and Kiya separately list elevators, hotels, deserted streets as locations where women could be at risk.

While the existing list already covers elevators - where Tarun Tejpal is accused of sexually assaulting a female employee, Court complexes are not mentioned. Recently, an intern accused Justice Ganguly of sexual misconduct.

In an interesting turn of events, both Tejpal and Ganguly have separately filed a suit against the VithU app, stating that the ads spread misinformation and consequently, abet crimes against women.

Not vithU Logo
Not VithU!
Tejpal said that "The VithU app claims that even within elevators it works, but we all know that we don't get mobile signal inside elevators. That is why I was brave enough to do what I did. It is not my fault". Justice A.K. Ganguly, on the other hand, said that the ads did not say that the app worked in court complexes, implying a woman could not ask for help, which gave him the courage to misbehave. He claimed that the app was "not with you". Both Tejpal and Ganguly have separately filed suits against the app, and pleaded innocence in a way bordering the Nuremberg defense.

Channel V has not yet issued a statement.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Royal baby's first diaper to be auctioned

The royal couple has decided to auction the royal baby's first used diaper. The proceedings will partly go to charity and partly used to setup a trust in the name of the yet-unnamed baby. A palace source said that at present, the baby's first cloth diaper has been already taken and preserved.
The source also said that various diaper manufacturing companies such as Kimberly-Clark, Johnson & Johnson, etc are trying to reach the royal couple to sell their respective brands of diapers. Closed door negotiations are ongoing between palace authorities and the manufacturers to the rights to use 'Makers of the royal diaper' advertisement tagline. The same brand will be used by Will & Kate for their baby.

There was palpable excitement on this announcement. One of the gathered public said "It is brilliant what the baby has done. It has already pooped and made a name for itself. I mean, what an achievement."

Saturday, June 22, 2013

India mulling over replacing current population with White & African-American people.

India is mulling over replacing its population with white people. The news was revealed by sources in the Home ministry of the central government, on condition of anonymity. Asked about why the government was considering such a massive step, the source said that the government was observing various aspects of the population, and findings and trends indicate that replacing the indigenous 'Brown people' with White and Black people was the next logical, rational step.

"The government has observed that the number of western brands in India has increased manifold. Earlier, it was just the odd brand here and there, but now the western brands are everywhere, like the Parthenium. We see all these new housing construction projects named after cities or localities or landmarks in the west. Even gated communities are a western concept.  We also see advertisements featuring white people instead of Indian models. At the very least, the urban population has to be replaced", said the source.

Further details are awaited.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Sweet revenge for India: Jingoistic Indians

Many Indians are celebrating the recent news that Prince William, second in line to the British throne, has clear Indian roots, with many of them considering this sweet revenge. "The East India Company ruled over India for a 100 years, and the British monarchy ruled over us for almost another 100. And we know that this period was marked with discrimination, culture assassination, genocide. Now, an Indian will rule over England, and head the commonwealth. So, by extension, and Indian will rule over all the British colonies. Things have come full circle.". They also added, "It is not just William, his brother, Prince Harry is also of Indian ancestry. "

It is understood that firecrackers were burst in many cities on the day this news was made public. When asked if the celebrations were quite early, because Prince William is not king, and is second in line to the throne, the respondents said "He will sit on the throne, even if for just a day. And will be followed by his brother."

Not 'Like That Only'

'Like That Only', a restaurant on Hadagur road, close to the Forum Value Mall. We visited the place for dinner. When you enter, you are greeted by a bathtub  with a gramophone speaker. The place has a few quirky decorations, which I guess is their ambiance USP. It sure seemed to have a lot of seating space; both open air and within the building on the ground and first floors. Of course, open air seating means one has to deal with a few mosquitoes, despite mosquito repellant coils.

It is a rather pricey restaurant - the Zomatos and the Burrps already say so.  But at the end of it, neither of us felt it was value for money & the experience was not the best. The staff were courteous, but they did a couple of things that I think defied 'hospitality common sense'. And this 'common sense' is based on my experience at other restaurants.

We ordered the starters and the main course together. At other places, the main course was brought to us after we had finished (or almost finished) the starter. Here, our waiter brought everything together and we had to request him to hold off on the main course till we were done with the appetizers.

Midway through our meal, another group of patrons arrived. This group was expecting a few more folks to join them, and one table would be insufficient to seat them all. So the staff moved a table for them, and placed it so close to ours that we could actually grab food from their table; and of course they from ours. We weren't comfortable with seating at such close proximity to another table.

Finally, our meal was eaten and the bill was paid by cash. As I said earlier, I didn't feel it was value for money for such a pricey restaurant. But what really annoyed me was that the restaurant staff shortchanged us. After charging so much for the food, they really didn't have to be so cheap/unprofessional/discourteous to their patrons as to not return the full change.

Why did they not return the full change? I guess, "Like That Only".

Sunday, May 12, 2013

CBI opens theme song contest

The Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) announced that it would have its own theme song. They have invited suggestions from the public in a competition that will close in 2 weeks People can also vote on existing submissions.  The CBI says that they have already received many submissions within 24 hours of opening.
Interestingly, some submissions have been made on behalf of the individual states after selection by popular vote. Karnataka's entry is a song from the movie Manasasarovara. 

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Pak concerned about citizens' safety in India, wants CCTVs in homes

Pakistan has expressed concerns about the safety of its citizens in India. This concern follows the death of Sanaullah Ranjay, a Pakistani held prisoner in India, who was attacked by another jail inmate. Sanaullah was admitted to hospital where he breathed his last.
Following his death, Pakistan asked for an international probe into the matter. Manzoor Ali Memon, spokesperson for Pakistan high commission said "This is a matter of grave concern. We believe there has been foul play, and want CCTVs installed in/around places visited by Pakistani citizens. For example, we want one in Sania Mirza's bedroom in Hyderabad, we're concerned about Shoaib Malik's safety and don't want him to come to harm."

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Brief: Tamil Nadu does a first, opens Ministry of Ponzi

Tamil Nadu did a first for the country today by announcing a new ministry to deal with Ponzi schemes in the state. The state is infamous for repeatedly falling for Ponzi schemes, starting from teak trees to recently, emus.
Sources within the cabinet say that after the announcement, there was some confusion within the MLAs of the ruling AIADMK, that the ministry was related to Pondycherry (popularly called Pondy) and no one was interested in the position, especially since it is already a union territory. However, once the confusion cleared, there was a mad scrambling, lobbying, & toadying to the CM by MLAs in order to get the lucrative position. A minister has not yet been announced but an announcement is expected soon.

P.S. If Pondycherry were a hub for Ponzi activity, would it be called Ponzicherry?

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Acute water shortage in Bangalore; even sewers run dry!

Bangalore woke up to its most acute water shortage problem in recent times, when the citizens discovered that even the sewers have dried up. Bangalore has multiple open air sewage canals through parts of the city, with roads being named Naala road (Naala means canal).

With an extremely poor monsoon in the previous year, most lakes had dried up. What was surprising however was that the only perennial water body in Bangalore - the sewer lines - had also dried up. The citizens and the Bangalore municipal corporation (BBMP) are at a loss on how to handle the situation. The BBMP said "We have water treatment plants in the city. Those used to satisfy a small portion of the city's water needs. Now even that is lost. We are not sure how to handle the situation; for now an ad hoc committee has been constituted".

Citizens are eagerly awaiting the BBMP's next steps.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Population growth to slow down thanks to Chidambaram's appeal

Leading Ayurvedic pharmaceutical company, Baidyanath reported a slump in the sales of their products. The slump was observed following finance minister P. Chidambaram's request to people to 'control their lust for gold'. Heeding to this advice, the general public have reduced buying Baidyanath's Vita-Ex GOLD, the male performance enhancer - controlling their lust and their lust for gold.

P Chidambaram had made the appeal in an attempt to reduce imports and improve India's fiscal deficit - gold is India's second biggest import after petroleum. The general public have been given messages about the country's increasing population and the strains it places on its resources. The brain connected the messages and resulted in a "slight" misunderstanding.

Social analysts believe that this is a good sign and India's population growth will begin to show a slight decline in about 9 months time; whether the slowdown of the growth will sustain has to be seen. P Chidambaram was pleasantly surprised by the news and had decided not to issue a clarification because he feels that the benefit of slowing population growth will be much greater than reduced gold imports.

P.S. Thanks to Deccan Herald's poor placement choice for the inspiration behind this post. 

Thursday, February 07, 2013

Religious decrees leave people bewildered

The latest religious decree issued by religious organizations have said that wearing clothes is blasphemous, leaving people across the country completely bewildered. This 'sans logic' announcement resulted in confusion and outrage. The average person on the street said "I don't know where this is written in the scriptures. I don't want to be a blasphemer, but think about all the designer brands! Won't they suffer losses? Poor things!"

"Less  fashionable" people said "We don't have any fur covering us, so I am not sure how we'll bear heat and cold. Are leaves allowed?"

 Following widespread outrage, the decree was taken back and a new one saying 'speech is blasphemy and everyone must maintain a strict silence' was issued.

At the same time, another group has decreed that it is blasphemous to stay silent implying that people must constantly talk, failing which they will incur the wrath of God, which will be carried out by his appointed representatives on Earth.

The contradicting diktats have left bewildered because they are unable to understand if they should speak, or stay silent because either action would result in eternal damnation and punishment of the most medieval kind.

Monday, January 21, 2013

New brief: Karan Johar win award for best lyrics

Producer Karan Johar won the best lyrics award for the song "Radha" from the movie Student of the year release in 2012. The award was sponsored by women's rights activists and was provided for two lines in the song :
"Chhede hai humka daiyaan, bairi kanhaiya
And everybody blames it on Radha"

"(Lord) Krishna troubles me (Radha),
And everbody blames it on Radha"

The organizations said that these two lines perfectly capture the current trend where the victim of sexual abuse is blamed for the attack and is said to have brought it upon herself. They also hoped this would make people less ignorant and be more sensitive to the plight of women in the country.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Kohli launches pepper spray

Virat Kohli today launched a new line of pepper sprays. The new spray named "Kohli" was launched in the presence of cricketing and movie stars.

Asked about the inspiration behind launching a pepper spray, Kohli said "Women in India consider me HOT, and I mean uber hot like this pic here.  And I decided to use that hotness to make a product for women. Also chillies are hot. I put 2 and 2 together, and we came up with this idea. This product will attract the ladies. I have already attracted many ladies using my mobile phone!"

Kohli was refering to the "hugely popular" advertisement for a mobile phone company that he endorses where he is shown attempting to attract the ladies by using his phone. Because the ad failed to meet its goal, Kohli had to resort to other means to achieve his objective.

Friday, January 11, 2013

India wins UN award for 'Most impressive posturing'

India won the International Award "Most Impressive Posturing" at the UN today. The Indian entry consisted of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, External Afrairs Minister Salman Khurshid, and Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde.

A UN spokesperson said "The Indian government has had the most impressive political posturing after the recent killings of Indian soldiers by Pakistani soldiers. The Indian government has condemned the attacks and warned Pakistan but has made no change in its foreign policy towards the neighbour. Countries like Israel & the US have no chance in this competition because they don't posture but retaliate immediately if such a thing would happen to them. The international community is impressed by India."

India's initial entry consisted of leaders of political parties which were part of the ruling UPA who repeatedly threatened to stop supporting the central government. Because of the confidentiality clause the names of the initial entries could not be revealed. India decided to change its entry to the competition and was able to get the changes in minutes before the submission deadline.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Digvijaya Singh retires from politics

Senior Congress leader Digvijaya Singh has announced his retirement from active politics. In a press conference, Abhishek Manu Singhvi said that the Congress high command had received a letter from Mr Singh tendering his resignation from the party and retiring from politics. He also said that Mr Singh is also undergoing counselling after being highly depressed & disappointed.

For a long time Mr Singh was the top dog in the 'foot in the mouth' race, but in the aftermath of the Delhi rape case, everyone who is anyone is making silly, stupid, and controversial statements, thus pushing him off his pedestal. The change in stature happened too quickly for Mr Singh to handle, which resulted in his current health condition. Mr Singh, acknowledged that he has been beaten at his own game and needs to make way for a new generation of 'foot-in-mouth'-ers.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Silly typo or mathematical magic

A silly typo on the NDTV article - chargesheeting 6 of the 5 men arrested - did make for a funny opening line in a news article about a topic that has caught the attention of the nation. The error has been corrected though.