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Of Pavlov and Hindu dieties

Central Government proposes SI unit to measure intolerance

The Central government today announced a significant move concerning the "rising intolerance" in India. It had earlier this month, instructed the Humanities department in the Indian Institute of Science to  identify a metric of intolerance which could then be taken to Système International d'Unités (SI) I for ratification. After discussions with science departments in the Institute, the department has proposed the "intoleron" as the new name for this unit -  1 intoleron being once instance of intolerance not exceeding 10 words of verbal/written expression of intolerance.

The unit has already been submitted to SI which will take into consideration recent events in Europe (such as the refugee crisis) and Americas to decide if the base definition should be modified. The 'intoleron' will be a quantized unit, and the SI will issue a reference scale mapping other acts of intolerance (such as tripping up refugees) to intolerons. In order to prevent incorrect measurement due to differences in languages, each intoleron must have a language qualifier without which, it is a meaningless quantity.

For example, schadenfreude would be 1 German intoleron and also equivalent to 1 English intoleron because the meaning can be expressed in only 8 words. Schadenfreude is the "pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune."

A spokesperson for the Government said that the unit was necessary because news channels had started  to provide highly conflicting scales of intolerance in the country causing significant confusion due to which the Government was unable to decide the scale of action to initiate. Having a standard unit will allow the Government to gauge the exact magnitude of the issue and act accordingly.

-Bureau reports

IRCTC to use whatsapp for services

IRCTC announced today that they intend to use popular instant messaging tool Whatsapp for various services.  They intend to provide value added services on Whatsapp & use plain old vanilla SMS for customers who explicitly mention that they do not use whatsapp.

Users can add 1800-00- IRCTC to their contacts to interact with a bot that provides multiple services including ticket reservation, cancellation, PNR enquiry,  purchase on IRCTC shopping etc.  Customers have to use specific mnemonics to avail of each service.

Modi expands cabinet, starts Ministry of General Knowledge

Almost immediately after his swearing in as the 15th Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi decided to expand his cabinet. The cabinet unanimously agreed to open up a new Ministry of General Knowledge, a first in the 67 years of independent India. Sonam Kapoor and Alia Bhat have been asked to take oath as the joint Ministers of State to handle the ministry.

Both women expressed surprise at the creation of such a ministry, however they also felt that it was not surprising that they were chosen to be ministers. They were quite confident that after the answers that they gave in the poular TV show Koffee with Karan, they were obvious choices to head the ministry.

Alia said that she is consulting her family and close friends on identifying a good day for the swearing in ceremony. Sonam Kapoor has said that she will take oath anytime after returning from Cannes. She said that she would have liked to be Cabinet Minister, but was elated nevertheless at the honour and opportunity she had been presented with.

Varun Dhawan was reported to be extremely disappointed at not being made part of the Cabinet.

Prabhu Deva to choreograph Miley Cyrus' next

Indian dancer Prabhu Deva will choreograph Miley Cyrus' next video and stage performance. The popular dancer, who has been called the Michael Jackson of India, has choreographed multiple movies and has also tried his hand at direction.

Miley Cyrus has been in the news lately after her performance in the MTV VMA and her latest video. Contact Music reported that Miley was impressed by some of the performances by Prabhu Deva and wanted to work with him, and had contacted him for her next performance.

The ever humble Prabhu Deva said that he was elated that he could work with a world famous star, and promised to help her deliver a twerktastic performance.

Tejpal, Ganguly blame VithU app of 'abetting sex crimes'

VithU, the SOS app for smartphones changed their advertising to add 'Court Complexes' to the list of potentially threatening locations. Their current ads, featuring female actors Kareena Kapoor and Kiya separately list elevators, hotels, deserted streets as locations where women could be at risk.

While the existing list already covers elevators - where Tarun Tejpal is accused of sexually assaulting a female employee, Court complexes are not mentioned. Recently, an intern accused Justice Ganguly of sexual misconduct.


In an interesting turn of events, both Tejpal and Ganguly have separately filed a suit against the VithU app, stating that the ads spread misinformation and consequently, abet crimes against women.

Not VithU!

Tejpal said that "The VithU app claims that even within elevators it works, but we all know that we don't get mobile signal inside elevators. That is why I was brave enough to do what I did. It is not my fault". Justice A.K. Ganguly, on the other hand, said that the ads did not say that the app worked in court complexes, implying a woman could not ask for help, which gave him the courage to misbehave. He claimed that the app was "not with you". Both Tejpal and Ganguly have separately filed suits against the app, and pleaded innocence in a way bordering the Nuremberg defense.

Channel V has not yet issued a statement.

Royal baby's first diaper to be auctioned

The royal couple has decided to auction the royal baby's first used diaper. The proceedings will partly go to charity and partly used to setup a trust in the name of the yet-unnamed baby. A palace source said that at present, the baby's first cloth diaper has been already taken and preserved.
 
The source also said that various diaper manufacturing companies such as Kimberly-Clark, Johnson & Johnson, etc are trying to reach the royal couple to sell their respective brands of diapers. Closed door negotiations are ongoing between palace authorities and the manufacturers to the rights to use 'Makers of the royal diaper' advertisement tagline. The same brand will be used by Will & Kate for their baby.


There was palpable excitement on this announcement. One of the gathered public said "It is brilliant what the baby has done. It has already pooped and made a name for itself. I mean, what an achievement."

India mulling over replacing current population with White & African-American people.

India is mulling over replacing its population with white people. The news was revealed by sources in the Home ministry of the central government, on condition of anonymity. Asked about why the government was considering such a massive step, the source said that the government was observing various aspects of the population, and findings and trends indicate that replacing the indigenous 'Brown people' with White and Black people was the next logical, rational step.

"The government has observed that the number of western brands in India has increased manifold. Earlier, it was just the odd brand here and there, but now the western brands are everywhere, like the Parthenium. We see all these new housing construction projects named after cities or localities or landmarks in the west. Even gated communities are a western concept.  We also see advertisements featuring white people instead of Indian models. At the very least, the urban population has to be replaced", said the source.

Further details are awaited.

Sweet revenge for India: Jingoistic Indians

Many Indians are celebrating the recent news that Prince William, second in line to the British throne, has clear Indian roots, with many of them considering this sweet revenge. "The East India Company ruled over India for a 100 years, and the British monarchy ruled over us for almost another 100. And we know that this period was marked with discrimination, culture assassination, genocide. Now, an Indian will rule over England, and head the commonwealth. So, by extension, and Indian will rule over all the British colonies. Things have come full circle.". They also added, "It is not just William, his brother, Prince Harry is also of Indian ancestry. "

It is understood that firecrackers were burst in many cities on the day this news was made public. When asked if the celebrations were quite early, because Prince William is not king, and is second in line to the throne, the respondents said "He will sit on the throne, even if for just a day. And will be followed by his brother."

Not 'Like That Only'

'Like That Only', a restaurant on Hadagur road, close to the Forum Value Mall. We visited the place for dinner. When you enter, you are greeted by a bathtub  with a gramophone speaker. The place has a few quirky decorations, which I guess is their ambiance USP. It sure seemed to have a lot of seating space; both open air and within the building on the ground and first floors. Of course, open air seating means one has to deal with a few mosquitoes, despite mosquito repellant coils.

It is a rather pricey restaurant - the Zomatos and the Burrps already say so.  But at the end of it, neither of us felt it was value for money & the experience was not the best. The staff were courteous, but they did a couple of things that I think defied 'hospitality common sense'. And this 'common sense' is based on my experience at other restaurants.

We ordered the starters and the main course together. At other places, the main course was brought to us after we had finished (or almost finished) the starter. Here, our waiter brought everything together and we had to request him to hold off on the main course till we were done with the appetizers.

Midway through our meal, another group of patrons arrived. This group was expecting a few more folks to join them, and one table would be insufficient to seat them all. So the staff moved a table for them, and placed it so close to ours that we could actually grab food from their table; and of course they from ours. We weren't comfortable with seating at such close proximity to another table.

Finally, our meal was eaten and the bill was paid by cash. As I said earlier, I didn't feel it was value for money for such a pricey restaurant. But what really annoyed me was that the restaurant staff shortchanged us. After charging so much for the food, they really didn't have to be so cheap/unprofessional/discourteous to their patrons as to not return the full change.

Why did they not return the full change? I guess, "Like That Only".

Tracer bullet

For the uninformed, here are two links: Shastri's tracer bullet and the original tracer bullet.

CBI opens theme song contest

The Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) announced that it would have its own theme song. They have invited suggestions from the public in a competition that will close in 2 weeks People can also vote on existing submissions.  The CBI says that they have already received many submissions within 24 hours of opening.
Interestingly, some submissions have been made on behalf of the individual states after selection by popular vote. Karnataka's entry is a song from the movie Manasasarovara.

http://m.youtube.com/results?q=manasasarovara%20kannada%20songs#/watch?v=mqABvUVQi3o 

Pak concerned about citizens' safety in India, wants CCTVs in homes

Pakistan has expressed concerns about the safety of its citizens in India. This concern follows the death of Sanaullah Ranjay, a Pakistani held prisoner in India, who was attacked by another jail inmate. Sanaullah was admitted to hospital where he breathed his last.
Following his death, Pakistan asked for an international probe into the matter. Manzoor Ali Memon, spokesperson for Pakistan high commission said "This is a matter of grave concern. We believe there has been foul play, and want CCTVs installed in/around places visited by Pakistani citizens. For example, we want one in Sania Mirza's bedroom in Hyderabad, we're concerned about Shoaib Malik's safety and don't want him to come to harm."

Brief: Tamil Nadu does a first, opens Ministry of Ponzi

Tamil Nadu did a first for the country today by announcing a new ministry to deal with Ponzi schemes in the state. The state is infamous for repeatedly falling for Ponzi schemes, starting from teak trees to recently, emus.
Sources within the cabinet say that after the announcement, there was some confusion within the MLAs of the ruling AIADMK, that the ministry was related to Pondycherry (popularly called Pondy) and no one was interested in the position, especially since it is already a union territory. However, once the confusion cleared, there was a mad scrambling, lobbying, & toadying to the CM by MLAs in order to get the lucrative position. A minister has not yet been announced but an announcement is expected soon.

P.S. If Pondycherry were a hub for Ponzi activity, would it be called Ponzicherry?

Fhweeeeeee

What's common to Musharraf & Bolt?

 

1. Musharraf flees from court 
2. Usain Bolt wins Olymic gold

From 60-95 seconds in the video.